Aug 19, 2008

Today's Tree - MT. TABOR PARK.

It's hard to believe that we, the hard-working staff at Urban Pine, are now marking our first month anniversary.

So far the accolades have been few and far between, but any day now we're thinking we can catch on. And I know I speak for all the trees out there when I say we're willing to sell out faster than the stuff-that-white-people-like dude.

A zombie suggested that I interview a tree outside of the NE territories I have limited myself to thusfar, so to mix things up I gave it a shot. And I'm glad I did, for I found the most interesting tree so far. Who knew zombies were so insightful?

This tree was interviewed on Saturday August 16 at Mt. Tabor during the Adult Soapbox Derby 2008. (For the record, the tree I interviewed is the one on the right, but I talked with the other two pictured and they were cool too).

Me: Hello Mt Tabor Tree. Thanks for meeting me here. What do you think of this crazy derby thing?

TREE: I like it. I like the bustle. I like the cars. And I like the costumes especially. One guy was wearing tights so tight I could tell what religion he was.

ME: What religion are you?

Tree: Atheist.

Me: Wait a minute. An atheist? So you're saying you hate god?

Tree: Not exactly. I hate god as much as you hate leprechauns, unicorns, and martians.

Me: Wait a minute, those don't even exist. Oh, I see what you did there. Clever.

Tree: Thank you. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day and have a fine weekend. You should come back to Mt. Tabor soon.

Me: Thanks tree! You're awesome!

Aug 13, 2008

Today's Tree: 32 and Going

Today's tree is here in the Plantation part of the city, between Fremont and Alberta. I found that trees around here very smart, way too smart for me to ever want to interview again. My head still smarts from this one.

ME: Good afternoon. So what's it like, being a tree?

TREE: This is a difficult question for me to answer, being as my default state is that of 'treeness'. I couldn't very well ask you what's it like to be a human, not if I expected some sort of cognizant response.

ME: Cogniz-wha?

TREE: And another thing. What is with the way humans speak? I realize language is a fundamental topic of interest in cognitive neuroscience, and modern brain imaging techniques have contributed greatly to a growing understanding of the anatomical organization of linguistic functions. Unfortunately, the techniques do not allow for high temporal resolution of brain activity as the comprehension or production of sentences unfolds. As temporal resolution is of utmost importance in these questions, researchers also employ the gross electrophysiological techniques. Consequently, EEG and MEG are used primarily to inform theories of the cognitive/computational architecture of language, without regard to their precise neurobiological implementation. For example, one might suspect that out of three categories of words that could end a sentence, two are actually tapping into the same mechanism, but the third is represented differently. Showing that these two categories elicit an identical electrophysiological response different from that of the third would support such a hypothesis.

ME: Nerd!

TREE: Your blatant attempts at stereotyping are quite frankly insipid and I find your vocabulary appalling. Have you ever even looked at a dictionary?

ME: Heh, you said "dick."

TREE: You're an idiot.

ME: Yeah, well your needles are ugly.

TREE: Leave now.

ME: Okay.

Aug 5, 2008


Today's tree is from my sisters new neighborhood. I approached it for an interview and found that the trees in her hood are not always the nicest. But I'll let you see for yourself.

Me: Greetings tree. How is your summer going?

Tree: Hot, I guess. I'm bored with that question already.

Me: Ah, okay. What do you think of my sister moving into your neighborhood?

Tree: To be perfectly honest, I can't see it affecting my life all that much. I'm not trying to be a jerk, but really I couldn't care less.

Me: Fair enough. Final question: Who do you think is the biggest band in America today?

Tree: Again, I gotta tell you I don't really follow music that much. I'm a tree, after all. But when I had fewer rings there were some hippies that lived by me. I liked some of their stuff. Whatever happened to the Beatles?

Me: Half of them died, the other half aren't up to much.

Tree: That's a shame. What about the Doors?

Me: Lead singer died, the rest not up to much.

Tree: Wow, I had no idea. What about the Who?

Me: Drummer and Bassist died. The rest ... not up to much.

Tree: You humans are certainly short lived! I guess I can assume all the Rolling Stones are dead?

Me: No, actually they're still alive. All of 'em.

Tree: You know, even after four hundred years, you humans can still surprise me.